So this post is not the usual upbeat and well thought out post that I generally attempt to publish. I’m just not feeling in that ‘zone’ this week. I can’t put my finger on exactly what the issue is though. I am happy and motivated each morning but the minute I walk through the door after work in the afternoon I just sag. I’ve been laying down (either on the bed or the couch) generally and dozing off for or an hour or so. When I wake up I’m no better. If it wasn’t for my wonderful other half, our little family wouldn’t eat at all most nights.
I started the week with so many plans. I had worked out room by room what needs doing and what clutter needs to be sorted. I planned on working on my sewing projects and also my book. But the days just became the same. Get up, do what needs to be done around the house, go to work, come home, crash out, get up, shower, eat, go to bed… repeat tomorrow. I don’t get it. The tears are just below the surface. It certainly won’t take much to tip me over the edge. What am I doing wrong?
So here I sit on a Friday night with the weekend stretching in front of me. I plan to do some sewing at some stage (my man is getting sick of the shit all over the dining table) but I also have my ‘to do’ list to tackle. Weekends are just too short. Even my boss told me today that weekends should extend to three days but I’m sure her reasoning for that is that she packs so much fun into every weekend that she needs a day to recover before coming in to work at the beginning of the week. Don’t get me wrong. I love my weekends with my man and little girl. I love being at home. Perhaps that’s the issue. I don’t enjoy going to work as much as I used to. I want to work from home. Doing what, I have no idea. I am seriously considering studying counselling but my other half doesn’t think that I would be able to do that. Not the studying – I’ve proved I can study and finish courses. He pointed out (as I have blogged about before) that I cry at the news. He asked how I would cope with human suffering on a 1:1 basis. I can see his point but I know that what I have gone through in my life has got to count for something. Having experienced grief, loss and abuse in my life surely makes me just a little bit qualified to understand others who are experiencing grief, loss, abuse and also depression. I forgot to mention that I suffer on and off with that as well (and I’m still taking the meds for it). I started to wean myself off them a month or so ago and then things changed and I put myself back on them. My doctor was okay with that and even suggested I start seeing a therapist again. I told her that I go to the therapist appointments with my man and I get enough that way. Have I mentioned that he also suffers depression, anxiety and a touch of OCD. Don’t we make a great couple? Just as well we both adore each other or we’d end up killing each other instead.
Well I’ve rattled on enough I guess. I need to go and eat dinner. (My daughter has made it tonight I think). Then I am going to have a shower and get in my comfy pjs and curl up on the lounge with a Tia Maria and milk and my iPad in front of the television. The football is on tonight and the Broncos (Brisbane Broncos) are playing. If they lose tonight, they’re out of the running for the finals. That would be a shame but then then their form this year has been dismal. I don’t think I’ve made any sense at all tonight but I’ve certainly felt better from getting it all out. So thanks for listening 🙂