The Language of Love – Part Two

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The Garden Gnome spending quality time with the grandchildren

Yesterday, I began my series on The Five Love Languages. This is a book by Gary Chapman that was a New York Times Best Seller. Gary has a website and a blog. The blog posts are very interesting as they are in a question and answer format and easily readable.
I erroneously stated in my last post that the language of Affirmation was not the primary language of my GG. This morning, I pulled out the quiz he took for me and found that it actually is his primary language. 😳 Just as well I do it anyway πŸ˜‰
The language we are going to discuss today comes in at third place on his list however tied for first on my list πŸ™‚

The second Love Language: Quality Time
Β The first thing we need to do here is define exactly what ‘quality time’ is.

Quality Time
noun
noun: quality time
1.
time in which one’s child, partner, or other loved person receives one’s undivided attention, in such a way as to strengthen the relationship.
Sounds easy doesn’t it? Spending time with those we love is something we do every day right? We eat meals together, watch tv together, run errands together. The list really is exhaustive. However just because we are together doing things doesn’t make that quality time.
Spending quality time with a person we love is our way of showing just how important they are to us. Turn the tv off and actually look at your partner or child whilst you are discussing things. For those of us who speak this language of love it’s a big thing to be acknowledged and made a priority. My favourite times last year were the afternoons we drove for an hour to go to an appointment together. Sometimes the time together was spent in companionable silence but often we took the time to talk – really talk… about our hopes, dreams and fears. We learned about each other and spent time with each other without outside distractions.
When giving your loved one your undivided attention – it means just that. Remove or ignore distractions. When someone you love keeps checking the television for the latest update on the football game whilst talking to you, that can be hurtful. Learn to listen.
There are wonderful tips out there for learning to listen but I am going to direct you to an amazing post by a fantastic woman. Winifred writes the blog “Speaking of Marriage” and the other day she wrote Twelve Essential Qualities of Masterful Listening. I urge you to read this and try your best to put these tips into practice. In every relationship – not just with those we are married to πŸ˜‰
The one thing we really need to remember is that listening is exactly that. LISTENING
It isn’t about thinking what to say next or interrupting with our own thoughts. Listening is making sure that what the other person is saying is of the utmost importance to you at that particular moment in your life.
Now that we’ve discussed listening, let’s talk a little more about quality time. How do you know whether your partner’s primary Love Language is Quality Time?
Listen for clues
If you are speaking words of affirmation to your partner. If you are doing little things for them all the time or buying gifts and they say “We never spend any time together” or “Why are you always on the computer” or “We used to go out more often”? Then there is every chance that Quality Time is the primary love language for them.

The essence of quality time
This is about the time you are spending together without allowing outside distractions to intervene. If you go to the movies together, it’s the little things like ensuring the focus is on your relationship rather than the great movie you are about to see that makes it a quality thing. Whilst the movie may be awesome, it is enjoying the time spent with each other that counts. Like I said before about the car trips to the appointments, it was the fact we had each others undivided attention that was important.
Dialogue
Active listening, asking questions and making the person you are with feel like they are all that matters right now is spending quality time together.
So… take the time to find out exactly what the love of your life enjoys doing (if Quality Time is their thing) and then plan that together. The Garden Gnome and I love to travel. We are going to plan a trip together (with the Tween) but the planning is the important thing. It means quality time. You don’t have to wine and dine your love (although in some cases, that is highly recommended πŸ™‚ ) quality time can be just spreading maps out on the floor and poring over them together.
It’s the act of doing things together that is important.
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28 thoughts on “The Language of Love – Part Two

    1. Unfortunately yes. This wouldn’t matter terribly much if your primary love language is affirmations or one of the others but if it is quality time, then it really hurts to be neglected.

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  1. Well put down Suz! Stunning post – a most wonderful topic.
    NOW – to find out our partners love language seems sorted – hmmm – how does one get ones partner to do the same? πŸ˜‰ I shall have to think about that!

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          1. And he, being the gentleman that he is will reply ‘You do not need a test to love me – you love me best by just being you.’ NO REALLY – he will. Makes me want to slap him – but it is really quite beautiful. I sometimes see what ‘floats his boat’ (which really is everything and nothing) and when rather see when HE is doing what he thinks I want/need. Because even though it might not be my language – he is still ‘speaking’ to me in the way he understands to show love. Maybe it is hard for him to speak my language – but if I can speak his and understand his then we are all good right. Because really – I do know what his language is – I made it my business to figure it out. Took ages – but that is part of the process and the journey right? We tend to ‘do’ or ‘say’ to others what we would want them to do to us (God we are taught that from when we are teeny tiny!) but sometimes – it is not the right way. I kinda think – well – if I a Frenchman makes the effort to learn English – and can speak |English – than he deserves to be heard. He knows it is not a common thing for others to learn his language so he learns to speak English. OK – so bad example because french is a very international language too – but – should he frown on me because I do not understand french – should he refuse to speak to me UNTIL I understand his native tongue? There may be nuances that are lost in translation – but – we can still have a pretty darn good chin wag. You see I used to think George did not understand me – well actually – he is just not as quick (nor does he have the same time nor aptitude/skill/flair) with learning a new language – WHATEVER It is – but emotionally – the language of love. He learns what I show him. All the time I thought he did not see and did not want to be bothered – when really – he was watc hing me all the time to see. We give such mixed messages as woman particularly – I tried something this last night.
            I used to beat myself up for not being up to make him coffe before he left for work early. I tried a different thing – I ASKED him – did not moan and say – you never do this. I said ‘It would be so cool if I got woken up with a cup of tea – because then I would definitely wake up – nothing like a cup of tea as an alarm clock and a loving person holding it. It became a joke and a hilarity. Now sometimes I will take that as a mockery or a – are you shitting me I am not doing that!! But I shut up and just smiled and repeated myself once and said – it would help me.
            Well he made HIMSELF coffee (he never does!) and he made me tea – so we started our day with a good laugh πŸ˜€ – There is always going to be one who understands the others language better or quicker or can speak it more fluently. Does that mean we should not be patient and wait for the other to learn? Should we get angry because they seem to not want to please us? Or should we just keep stepping out in love (getting it wrong multiple times) and then – well then it becomes easy to love – when you convey clealry what you need instead of thinking – well maybe you should figure it out if you love me enough you would. I think woman very much fall into this trap – men WANT to know what we want – but if we as woman can not answer it ourselves – I think we are expecting a bit much. OK I will finish the blogpost on your article now!
            Good grief – my mind ran away from me there!! Sorry :/

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            1. And I loved every word you wrote.
              It’s not about what is right or wrong in loving another person or doing it one way instead of another. I get that. I understand it. The reason that I love this book is that it opened my eyes to what the GG needed from me (reason being is that until the past 12 months or so, he never communicated that sort of thing to me). Now that I know what he needs in the relationship, I am more than happy to give it to him and vice versa (although he’s still working on that a bit I think).
              You sound as if you have a wonderful man in George. That is truly fantastic and you are blessed for that. I loved your cup of tea story!

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              1. Thats just it hey – we (those who write and read and have time and space in our heads for it) should embrace what we have been given and appreciate it. We learn so much and we can use this to empower our families and others. We CAN spread our understanding by learning and – knowledge is power right πŸ˜‰ I mean Suz – this did not happen just by accident – a lot of reading and a lot of prayer and thought and letting go of insecuroty etc etc bloody ect. There is no truer saying then ‘relationships take work’ and oit is up to each to bring to the table that which they are best equipped to do. Iconically women are more geared toward these aspects of a functioning unit (kids and hubby) and the dudes TEND to be more pragmatic and logical – (it is a conversation my daiughter and I delve into OFTEN!) and we always end with the same thing – it is AS individual as our fingerprints – so even though we all have fingers and we all generally use our fingers for the same thing – we all have our genders – but some withing each gender lean a little more one way than the other. MAy I recommend on top of that pile of books you have to add another? ‘Why men don’t iron’
                I read the damn thing in one night – it was soooo interesting. Scientifically speaking and even to do with what our dear NAvigator speaks up against. It is fabulously insightful.
                So yeah – you know what – just because we haev learned a few things along the way – doesn tmean we knwo it all BUT more importantly it does not mean everyone else has the information we may have – as we do not have info they may have. I guess it is called networking for a reason πŸ˜€ emailing you – I have to mention soemthing.

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                1. Have you read Why Men don’t listen and Women can’t read maps? The authors (Allan & Barbara Pease) have also written others including Why men Lie and Women Cry (got that here to read). Look them up. They have some fantastic titles to choose from. Sounds like the book you are talking about is along the same lines as these.
                  When I read Why Men don’t listen and Women can’t read maps (I can read a map actually – just not the way a man would), I understood the GG’s need to fix everything. I had a conversation with him today and I actually had to say “I don’t need advice and I don’t need you to fix it. I just want you to listen to me rant”. And he did bless him πŸ˜‰

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                  1. That was very kind of sir GG πŸ˜€ Yeah I find if I read TOO much on this topic my ears start ringing and my head gets dizzy πŸ˜€ Take it easy Suz – you are doing awesome. I better go get some work done!!! – I wish I could go at double speed today – far too much I want to get done πŸ˜‰

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  2. You have been a wealth of information. It’s not that my marriage is on shaky ground,but due to the little Eeyore performance through most of last year, I would say our relationship has been challenged. I need to learn to listen, he needs to learn to turn off his stinkin’ work umbilical cord (cell phone). I’m going to get that book!

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