Butterflies and umbilical cords

Image from Morguefile

Perceptions of Reality speaks about defining moments on her blog post A Defining Moment.  One line in her writing struck a chord within me. On speaking of her second miscarriage, she says “He obviously didn’t see our hearts connected through the umbilical cord”. She said this in response to an insensitive doctor’s remarks. It got me thinking about pregnancy loss (or miscarriage) and the effect it has on those mothers – both physically and mentally.

It is so easy for those who have not suffered loss (particularly doctors) to dismiss the feelings of a mother who has miscarried in the early stages of her pregnancy. Hearing words such as “you weren’t really that pregnant yet” or “it happens in two out of three pregnancies” is not a balm to a grieving heart. Because mothers grieve regardless of how far along they are in their pregnancy – be it one week or one month. As soon as they see that little line on the pregnancy test that tells them they are going to be a mother, they start loving the little being growing inside and making plans for their future. The being that is a part of them and the man that they love. The connection has been formed by their hearts through the umbilical cord.

Losing a baby, whether once, twice or even more can often be the catalyst for a trip down depression lane. Losing a baby makes a woman question herself and her abilities. She begins to question whether it is something she has done – or not done that caused her baby to leave her. She becomes wracked with guilt and anger. She sees mothers heavily pregnant or pushing prams and wonders why she can’t have a child. She feels guilty for not being happy for new mothers that she knows, and feels that there is something wrong with her for feeling that way. She is angry when she sees a parent scolding their child thinking that they don’t deserve the child they have. She cries at news stories of children who have been abused or murdered by their parents and wonders why God is punishing her and not them. She feels her life spiralling out of control. She blames herself for not being able to give the man she loves a son to carry on his family name. She becomes moody and disconnected.

Some women continue TTC (trying to conceive) and become obsessed with charting temperatures and lovemaking at the most opportune time. And each time a loss occurs, a part of them dies as well. Sometimes, a miscarriage means time in hospital or hours spent in an emergency room. It may even threaten the life of the mother but still she continues to hope and pray for another baby. Until the day her doctor tells her that her body can’t do this any more and she has to stop. And her world spirals downward….

And the Tween grows up with no younger siblings.