It’s a constant battle

It is!
There is a constant battle going on inside my mind between the person I want to be and the person who thinks and does things she knows are wrong.
It starts first thing in the morning, when I battle within myself about whether to get out of bed or catch some extra zzzz’s. The spirit is often willing but the flesh is terribly weak – especially when it comes to my bed. Have I told you all how much I love my bed? šŸ˜³
And then I begin my day.

You don’t realise just how many choices you face each day until you stop and think about them all.
Let’s see…. what will I have for breakfast? Will I spend a few minutes more meditating or will I just grab a banana and skip breakfast all together. Will I eat something healthy for lunch or just go with fish and chips?

Should you eat healthy? Or do you just go with what you are craving?
And then there is the battle for your mind.
You know what you should be doing and saying. But those horrid thoughts come in anyway.
Yesterday I fought within myself all day.
The fight was between the good person I know is in there and the cynic and pessimist.
We all have a good person in there. You know the one –Ā  The one who says the right things. Who listens and empathises. The person who is good and kind and understanding.
And then there is the one who thinks horrid thoughts about other people and then complains about her lot in life. If only this hadn’t happened… or why do I have to be doing this?
I found myself walking down the street yesterday waging battle with my thoughts.
I would think a thought and then chastise the thought and tell it to go away. It was endless. It felt like forever yet I had only walked a few metres.
But that thought just kept coming back.
And when it did, it eroded my defenses just that little bit further each time.
Until it won and I gave in.
Then I decided that underneath it all I am not a good person at all.
I try to be.
Oh, how I try to be.
But I keep failing.

So this morning, I reflect on those failings and think what I should do about them.
Like anything I am trying to learn, I must keep on trying.
I pick myself up and dust myself off and keep walking.
One foot in front of the other.
One thought at a time.

Baby steps.

Advertisements

37 thoughts on “It’s a constant battle

  1. Even baby steps keep us moving forward … šŸ˜‰
    I was remembering Plato’s Phaedrus last night, the two horses of the soul, pulling it either way, and the tug-of-war between them. Two and a half thousand years later, we’re still the rope in that tug-of-war! Hey, at least there’s consistency in that, if not comfort!

    Like

      1. Yes … there’s nothing like consistency! Notice how life is rarely consistently nice or easy or kind over any length of time? Ah, I’m just whinging, I’m sure it is, sometimes. I must be looking through my bra-shaped depression-goggles!

        Like

        1. See that’s the trouble. Bras aren’t meant to go on your eyes!! šŸ˜‰
          Just kidding. I know exactly what you are saying. I think life is full of vagaries but our reaction to the same situation at different times in our lives can be completely different dependent upon what our mental state is at the time.

          Like

  2. I am constantly battling with food. I love healthy food, I don’t like meat or main dishes, really, and I know I shouldn’t eat junk, but I do. Why? It usually makes me feel bad – physically and emotionally. So, WHY? I’d really like to know. I want to be good, but sometimes I am bad.

    Like

      1. And that’s probably the answer! When I feel like sitting down and eating and I also feel like just sitting down. And chilling out for a bit. So I, too, tend to sometimes just grab something. Now that I think about it, most of my super healthy eating is during the day and my junk food comes late afternoon and evening, when I’m… TIRED!

        Like

  3. One thing for sure Sue, you are alive.
    You are moving every day, and baby steps counts, your inner evolution is changing all the time, which is so great for yourself and your family.
    Think about some people never or almost never change their mind about how their lives are, they are more like living dead. You are not.
    Irene

    Like

  4. I know there is a good person there Suze you show each of us everyday…your good always outweighs your bad consistently..now me I am a grumbler about my life and I have no filter between brain and mouth or is that called foot in mouth disease ?

    Like

  5. You are describing my Hagatha. That rotten little voice that fills our minds with false beliefs. You are a good person, it is evident through your writing. Keep taking those baby steps, give yourself a break, and don’t forget to stop for a moment, take in the moment that counts…the moment right now.

    Like

  6. I can really empathise with this even though for me those thoughts maybe aren’t as powerful as yours. The endless loop of unhelpful thoughts though especially in unhappy moments, say post marriage break up and the thing that helped me most was my Buddhist friend Megan reminding me that these moments do pass. Even when it felt hard to believe, when it felt more likely the feelings and thoughts would be there for always… And yet she was right. They did pass…
    So for me that’s what helps. Knowing that thoughts and feelings inevitably change ..
    As always your blog makes me reflect… Thank you!

    Like

    1. I am glad that my ramblings give your cause for reflection. Thank you for saying so.
      I know that the moments will pass but I get so angry at myself sometimes for not controlling things a little better.

      Like

  7. And every time you tell that voice to disappear just a little of it dies. It’s big, it’s strong, but many slashes will eventually whittle it ,maybe not away, but to a manageable portion . Keep those little steps propelling you forward :))

    Like

    1. I thought of the wolves also yesterday. Unfortunately in the end the dark one won (in my thoughts at least).
      I am sorry that you too had a tough day. I hope today is much brighter for you.

      Like

  8. I rather embrace my cynicism and pessimism – to me, that doesn’t equal a bad person, just one with a lot on her mind. And hey! If you don’t expect a good result, you can’t have the devastation of disappointment šŸ™‚ Yes, sometimes it is a struggle to smile at funny things instead of growl and grump. I make every effort not to look too hard or long at those who seem to have it all, or have it easy. I expect they are just as troubled as the rest of us, in different ways. I need new glasses and have for years, a terrible thing for me. When I eventually have the money, I can get new lenses in my ancient frames and I will be very happy with that. A wealthy person would get the new glasses a lot sooner, but have to stress over what is fashionable in her circle, and if she gets it wrong! lose status and be ridiculed – a terrible thing for her. Neither of us can imagine being the woman who has never been able to see or own glasses. Well, maybe I can… But I’m still bitter when people can’t see out of willing ignorance. And I have no problem with that šŸ™‚

    Like

    1. It sounds as if you have yourself sorted out just beautifully.
      As someone who has just had to get new glasses herself, I hope you get yours soon. I know just how difficult it is to see properly with the wrong prescription. šŸ™‚

      Like

Don't be shy... Share your thoughts :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s