There is a constant battle going on inside my mind between the person I want to be and the person who thinks and does things she knows are wrong.
It starts first thing in the morning, when I battle within myself about whether to get out of bed or catch some extra zzzz’s. The spirit is often willing but the flesh is terribly weak – especially when it comes to my bed. Have I told you all how much I love my bed? 😳
And then I begin my day.
You don’t realise just how many choices you face each day until you stop and think about them all.
Let’s see…. what will I have for breakfast? Will I spend a few minutes more meditating or will I just grab a banana and skip breakfast all together. Will I eat something healthy for lunch or just go with fish and chips?
Should you eat healthy? Or do you just go with what you are craving?
And then there is the battle for your mind.
You know what you should be doing and saying. But those horrid thoughts come in anyway.
Yesterday I fought within myself all day.
The fight was between the good person I know is in there and the cynic and pessimist.
We all have a good person in there. You know the one – The one who says the right things. Who listens and empathises. The person who is good and kind and understanding.
And then there is the one who thinks horrid thoughts about other people and then complains about her lot in life. If only this hadn’t happened… or why do I have to be doing this?
I found myself walking down the street yesterday waging battle with my thoughts.
I would think a thought and then chastise the thought and tell it to go away. It was endless. It felt like forever yet I had only walked a few metres.
But that thought just kept coming back.
And when it did, it eroded my defenses just that little bit further each time.
Until it won and I gave in.
Then I decided that underneath it all I am not a good person at all.
I try to be.
Oh, how I try to be.
But I keep failing.
So this morning, I reflect on those failings and think what I should do about them.
Like anything I am trying to learn, I must keep on trying.
I pick myself up and dust myself off and keep walking.
One foot in front of the other.
One thought at a time.