…. and another week begins.
This morning I was attempting to catch up on blog posts (I am now approximately 2 weeks behind) and I found this post by DB titled “Pretending to be a Normal Person”. What can I say? This post (and title) struck a chord with me as I’ve just spent the past two days trying to be normal whilst my mind was fighting me the whole time.
I wonder if people realise just how demanding it is to continue to be normal to the outside world whilst there is a war raging inside. You try to say the right things and act as you usually would but you know that at any moment the carefully crafted stitches to your soul may break apart and the ‘real’ you may come gushing out.
When I came home from work on Friday, I didn’t want to do anything except sit and watch TV. I wasn’t tired, I just had no interest in doing anything. I was apathetic.
Saturday dawned overcast and my mood matched it. I needed to travel to the nearest shopping centre (45 minutes away) to get some supplies for the Tween’s quilt. Normally I would call my friend and ask if she wanted to come but I just wanted to be on my own. Although I don’t know why because my mind didn’t stop its incessant chatter throughout the whole drive and it was depressing to listen to. Some laughter with my friend would probably have been the best antidote.
And so my weekend went.
I walked through the motions of living whilst feeling bereft inside.
The things that generally give me joy, felt wooden and mechanical. In fact, they annoyed me. Like a butterfly I flitted from one thing to the next – not enjoying any of them.
I pondered my existence and wondered just what worth it was.
I had tears just below the surface. The GG’s teasing threatened to breach the dam wall holding all the tears back. (Note to others: Teasing in our house is never malicious and it is only in fun).
I felt as if I was going insane and want my life to return to normal.
What is normal though?
The ringing in my ears is still there. It is incessant.
I discovered that the more I stressed about what was happening to me, the more the headspins set me off-balance.
And then this morning, I awake and I am feeling somewhat normal.
I have to ask myself what is going on? This just can’t be depression knocking on the door. There has to be something else at play.
I wonder if it is menopause. In the next breath I wonder if it is going to last for too many more years. And then I wonder if I might go insane first?
And so I survived a weekend and I’m now about to begin my working week.
What joys will that hold?