Well that’s the weekend over

…. and another week begins.
This morning I was attempting to catch up on blog posts (I am now approximately 2 weeks behind) and I found this post by DB titled “Pretending to be a Normal Person”. What can I say? This post (and title) struck a chord with me as I’ve just spent the past two days trying to be normal whilst my mind was fighting me the whole time.

I wonder if people realise just how demanding it is to continue to be normal to the outside world whilst there is a war raging inside. You try to say the right things and act as you usually would but you know that at any moment the carefully crafted stitches to your soul may break apart and the ‘real’ you may come gushing out.
When I came home from work on Friday, I didn’t want to do anything except sit and watch TV. I wasn’t tired, I just had no interest in doing anything. I was apathetic.
Saturday dawned overcast and my mood matched it. I needed to travel to the nearest shopping centre (45 minutes away) to get some supplies for the Tween’s quilt. Normally I would call my friend and ask if she wanted to come but I just wanted to be on my own. Although I don’t know why because my mind didn’t stop its incessant chatter throughout the whole drive and it was depressing to listen to. Some laughter with my friend would probably have been the best antidote.
And so my weekend went.
I walked through the motions of living whilst feeling bereft inside.
The things that generally give me joy, felt wooden and mechanical. In fact, they annoyed me. Like a butterfly I flitted from one thing to the next – not enjoying any of them.
I pondered my existence and wondered just what worth it was.
I had tears just below the surface. The GG’s teasing threatened to breach the dam wall holding all the tears back. (Note to others: Teasing in our house is never malicious and it is only in fun).
I felt as if I was going insane and want my life to return to normal.
What is normal though?
The ringing in my ears is still there. It is incessant.
I discovered that the more I stressed about what was happening to me, the more the headspins set me off-balance.
And then this morning, I awake and I am feeling somewhat normal.

I have to ask myself what is going on? This just can’t be depression knocking on the door. There has to be something else at play.
I wonder if it is menopause. In the next breath I wonder if it is going to last for too many more years. And then I wonder if I might go insane first?
And so I survived a weekend and I’m now about to begin my working week.
What joys will that hold?

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38 thoughts on “Well that’s the weekend over

  1. Maybe this is one of those times to focus on just accepting where you are today – not rehashing the mental exhaustion of your weekend or trying to figure out what that means for the week ahead – but just recognizing what is going on inside of you right now, without judgment. Of course, that being said, I have NO idea how to do that but maybe you do? πŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I guess part of writing the post was to get those feelings out there and on record. My memory fades (worse with menopause) and writing it down acts as a sort of validation.
      However, I will try the best I can to live in the moment this week. πŸ™‚

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  2. I hope your week holds joy for you. And I know I’m biased, but I am confident that psychotherapy helps powerfully with depression, even if it is instigated by menopause. That’s not to say one should avoid consultation with a physician, and it’s not a quick process, but it sure is effective. I know from both sides of the process. Just sayin’

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    1. Mona, thank you so much for your kind words and concern. I consider my writing as part of my therapy. It helps to get them out there. I have had counselling and therapy in the past and I know what I need to do and I am putting many of the things I was taught into practice. It’s just a gradual process. πŸ™‚

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  3. Sue I think I am going out in sympathy, I had a few days that felt like this where I could not pin down why I felt flat, cranky and down right miserable. Menopause yes indeed it is a strange affair. I hope your week is shining and you feel on top of the world.

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  4. As a National Certified Menopause Practitioner, let me just say that Menopause / Menopause Transition does not cause depression (or other mood disorder) but it can exacerbate an existing one. Normal coping strategies, that usually work, may not be adequate during this time.
    I also know that menopause is often initially blamed, when it may not be the cause.
    Check out the North American Menopause Society website for excellent info and as someone else said, seek psychotherapy from a recommended source.

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  5. I have days like that, when I just don’t feel like doing anything. They are so far and few between that when they happen they really catch me off guard and frighten me. I feel like such a loser. But then a new day dawns and I’m back to my self. I’ll be interested in seeing if it’s menopause. I’m approaching that age, too.

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    1. We are our own harshest critics. I can tell you that you’re not a loser and I can tell myself that but when you’re feeling low you believe you are. I hope those days continue to be few and far between for you.

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  6. On the other hand … putting on a mask to appear normal, when we are struggling inside takes up so much energy – no matter if you have a history of depression or not. Just like with my experience of menopause as well. It can make things feel worse.
    Reaching out for support and surrounding yourself with people who care is an important step to getting back in balance again.
    We only have the present moment, so make it a mindful one. Val x

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  7. Of course, I know that you are aware that I can empathize with the need to mask our true emotions. I know how it feels to appear normal while fighting a battle inside. I have been depressed for so long, with some bouts more severe than others. I can say that peri-menopause, and the ultimate menopause seemed to make my symptoms worse. While I know that my depression isn’t caused by menopause, I couldn’t say that it is the same for everyone. I sure know that every time I Google some type of symptom, whether emotional or physical, menopause is on the list of culprits.

    Do what you have to do. It’s a process that doesn’t resolve overnight. I’m glad that you feel comfortable getting your thoughts out through your writing. For me, It has been another part of the equation which is taking me to recovery.

    I hope you are having a better week.

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    1. Thank you April. So far – so good. Although I have a headache that not amount of medication appears to be shifting. I got over a major hurdle yesterday that was causing me a lot of anxiety and came out the other side relatively unscathed so that is a good thing. πŸ™‚

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  8. Time to relax Sue, and take a bit of time out and reasses life and priorities.
    Too much too fast drains not only the body, but the mind.
    Roses still have fragrance as the world still revolves.
    Keep smiling girl.
    Ian

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