I have become a turtle

The turtle is synonymous with two things – sticking it’s neck out or hiding away in its shell.
Over the past few weeks I’ve wanted nothing more than to hide away in my shell. When I am in there, I am safe and the world can just go on without my participation. Whilst that is comforting in the short term it is only a temporary respite from life.
I realise that a lot of my depression and anxiety arises from external stressors. Of course some of it is self imposed by what my mind has made out of those external stressors as well. I’ve said it before – the mind is a powerful tool.
Then the other morning I had a break down and my darling Garden Gnome bore the brunt of it. As I unburdened, he listened and offered insight. He knew EXACTLY what I was feeling because he was in my place this time last year. This time it was him being strong for me.
You know the most wonderful thing that has happened since he had his breakdown? We have open, honest and real communication about our feelings and what is going on in our heads.
The other morning I had to apologise to him because I have become so self absorbed in my own mind and its issues that I have overlooked the problems he is struggling with. I apologised to him for their impact I have had on him and the Tween.
I told him that I had made a decision about one of the stressors in my life. He wasn’t happy but he was supportive.
I put it out to the universe and asked for signs.
I got signs alright.
I found them in what I was reading.
I found them in circumstances of my every day routine.
I found that I randomly picked the same quote each morning from the pack of 30 to place on my desk beside my computer. (My usual routine is to shuffle and ask God/the Universe/Higher being to show me what I need for the day).
Want to know what I kept picking?
Turtle progressYesterday, I put it out to the universe “Okay, this whole sticking your neck out is fine but if I’m really meant to go through with this then you need to a) help me do this without crying and making a fool of myself and b) provide the window of opportunity.
Both happened.
The weight taken from my shoulders was instantaneous and palpable.
When I arrived home I told my wonderful man and then the guilt and the doubts set in.
Logic is fighting with faith.
Of course my decision can be undone but I doubt that I will do that.
And so I begin to step out in faith…. and I am scared.

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34 thoughts on “I have become a turtle

  1. “Logic is fighting with faith.” I love that line! Logic always wants to win, but sometimes logic is wrong, and almost always logic keeps you from accomplishing amazing things. Sometimes we just have to throw logic out the window and fly with faith. Or as this quote says, stick our neck out. There’s a whole world out there beyond our shell, but we can never see it if we stay tucked inside.

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  2. I don’t know what to say because I’m not sure what you need from us other than to listen. I do remember, however, realizing during monumental changes, that those closest to us will do their subconscious damnedest to keep us from changing. Our change means change for them, and they might not want, or be ready for, change. You are most likely aware through your own experiences, but it doesn’t hurt to remind you of that reality.

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    1. I understand.
      I blog as a way to get my thoughts out there so this is one of those posts. I am sorry if it was uncomfortable for you.
      I am aware that change for me means change for others. I’ve just got off the phone from someone who when I told her what was going on poured cold water. There will always be those.

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      1. That’s what I mean. She was probably reacting to her own discomfort with YOUR change!! I guess we all do that -think how it affects “me” even when it’s your change.

        I wasn’t uncomfortable. If anything I’m (nosy) dying to know more details but completely inappropriate of me to ask so i wait patiently for what you want to share πŸ™‚

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  3. Amazing post- and writing it all down and getting it out there always helps. You sound ready to move forward, and clear minded about it. And the fact that you “randomly” picked the same quote- is in my opinion, not so random at all. πŸ™‚

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  4. At some point in life we all have to step out in faith Suz. You will make it. Keep the faith, and you will make it. I made it, and my faith is weak, but I left it in His hands, and I made it. You will too. YOU WILL MAKE IT.

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  5. I do believe that tin foil hat I designed for myself is sending signals to you. Lately, I have been struggling with decisions that cause fear which start the process of doubting my abilities. Before I know it, I must be in control of it all. There are scary decisions and paths to take, but if you encounter any rough patches, you have the ability to try something else. Unless we give up, there is always a solution to every challenge—we simply have to stick our necks out. I love that quote! Also, outside of the shell is where the sunshine is!

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    1. Okay April, I literally laughed out loud at your first sentence as I pictured you in a tin foil pirate’s hat! πŸ˜‰
      I agree with you. Unless we give up, there is always a solution to every challenge.

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  6. Listen to your heart Sue. Our brain is made to think and keep us safe. Fear resides in our thinking. Our heart knows the right thing to do. It comes from love not fear.
    Val x

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  7. It’s been a while since I’ve had any bad depression but I do remember it. I remember that feeling of wanting to hide from everything and yet, also thinking I should break out come he** or high water. Yep, the turtle effect. However, maybe looking at the turtle differently is the way to go. Maybe, instead, think of the old story about the turtle and the hare. The turtle chose to go slow and be sure of himself and where he was going. He ended up winning the race.

    Just a thought. πŸ˜‰

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  8. An interesting post Sue, one of the things that you are doing, is writing your feelings and emotions down, that is a sign that you are aware of your innerself, once you recognise that, then you can overcome all trials and tribulations.
    I hope you are finding calmness and serenity in your words and the words of your followers.
    Wishing you a beautiful weekend.
    Regards
    Ian

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