I’m not brave and I don’t have balls……

~ suzjones

Please excuse my language but I’m only repeating what has been said to me many times over the past few weeks.
Once word had spread at work that I was leaving, the most oft asked question was “Where will you go?” To which I replied “Home”.
I went on to explain that when it is time to move on, it is time. Some understood. Many didn’t.
Some replied, “You must be so lucky to be able to afford to live a life of leisure”. Nope. Not even close on that one.
However the line I heard the most was “You’re brave. I’ll grant you that.” or “I wish I had the balls to just resign and not know where my future lies”.
Last time I looked I was a female so I can’t claim ownership of those. And anyway, why do people think that only the male of the species can make tough decisions?
Just yesterday, during a lovely lunch I heard the words once more “I wish I could be as brave as you but each time I think that I should follow what I really want to do, my common sense takes over”.
I replied, “Do you think that my inner-critic is being quiet? My heart is telling me that I have made the right decision. My head is telling me that I am a bl**dy idiot”.

It’s not easy to step out in faith but I’m doing that right now. I certainly didn’t think to myself “I am going to be brave and quit work”. Actually, I was thinking that if I continued at work I would be in a straight jacket before the end of the year so I guess common sense prevailed in that respect.
I didn’t make my decision lightly. I didn’t suddenly think that I was going to begin following the Yellow Brick Road to Oz.
I just knew that I needed to do something to get my life (and the life of my family) back where it should be.
And so I am here right now. Looking toward a future that is uncertain. Living with the hope that all will work out in the way that it should.
I am very lucky that I know that if I need to I can return to work. It might not be an admin position but I have been assured that I am always welcome back as a support worker. That’s a nice safety net to have. A blessing really. Not many people are lucky enough to have that.

It’s a shame though that people listen to their inner-critic at the expense of following their dreams or what they love.
I don’t believe that in my act of self-preservation I exhibited any signs of bravery however it is perceived by those on the outside.
I don’t believe that I acted like a man in any way.
I do believe that when you listen to your heart, everything will come together.
I choose to believe that the decision I made is for the greater good of not just myself, but those I love also.

So many people would not have progressed had they listened to their inner-critic. I’m certainly not saying that having false hope and belief in oneself is the answer either. No matter how much I positively affirm that I am able to grow wings and fly to the moon, I know that it won’t happen.
However, I can choose to believe in myself and trust that all will be well in my world.
I guess it’s just a matter of choosing which perspective to frame the situation with really.

Have a beautiful day.

45 thoughts on “I’m not brave and I don’t have balls……”

  1. Of course it will all turn out right. And, BTW, you have “balls”. To me “balls” or “cojones” is no more gender related than say “you guys” means males. Whatever you call it, you’ve got it, and that’s wonderful.

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  4. You have courage Sue 🙂
    Otherwise you would not be able to follow your inner voice. It is necessary to follow your intuitiona and listen to, what is right for you and your family.

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  6. Our inner critic keeps many of us from going towards and reaching our dreams. I’m so glad that you didn’t listen to yours. You’re doing what you know is right, and therefore, I highly doubt you’ll regret it. It’s a great decision!

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  7. This term has been linked with actress Betty White who said, We should use the term Having a Vagina. Vaginas are tough and take a pounding far better than balls can. I have been in exactly the same place as you Suz, minus the vagina that is. In 86 while in the coppers I began losing my marbles. I loved my job, unfortunately it didn’t show me the same love. I started shooting at a man who turned into a Viet Cong before my eyes. Yes I’d returned to Vietnam, big time. I followed him and ended up fighting him and four other men in an underground car park. It ended up rather bloody after I laid into them with my Maglite. At the end of the shift I put my resignation in the Inspector’s in-tray. This was a Friday and he called me in on the Monday. I told him what happened, his suggestion, go to your doctor get a sick note and don’t come back. Eight months later I was a civilian again, after many an appointment with shrinks. They had a send-off night for myself, a copper who was retiring and one of the office girls. I heard the whispers about me being crazy, a coward, weak, couldn’t handle the job. (yet I’d received a Commissioner’s Commendation for bravery in 82) When it came time for speeches I stood up and began thanking everyone blah, blah. Then I broke down and tried to explain, they looked away from me. Clutching my little plaque I crept away into the night. A dream career had gone down the gurgler, my life’s ambition since I was five years old had gone the way of the Dodo. I had a terrible time for about 7 months and slowly came out of the fugue, 5 months later I started a new job. If people asked why I left, I’d say, ‘I went crazy, now I’m better.’ I bumped into one of the senior sergeants I worked with a year or so later. He’d lost an eye to cancer and looked pretty darn miserable. We chatted for a while and then he said, ‘I have to apologise for being a prick Laurie. I didn’t understand what you were going through until I got cancer, the stress nearly killed me. Now I know what stress can do to a person.’ I felt a little better after that.
    Life does go on even though we feel that we’re copping out or running. We are running, running towards a happier place. Somewhere we can breath and rest, then grow and do something that is better for us. It took me a long time to get over leaving the police but I know I wouldn’t have lasted much longer if I’d stayed. I wasn’t using my head to make the decision, I used a part of me that KNEW what was right, for ME.
    Cheers
    Laurie.

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    1. That’s a heartbreaking story Laurie. I’m sorry that PTSD played such havoc with your life. Unfortunately people judge – it’s in their nature. But as your colleague later said he didn’t understand because he hadn’t walked in your shoes. Sometimes I feel that it’s a fine line we walk between madness and sanity. 😉
      Thanks for sharing this story Laurie. It helps to know that there are many others out there who have taken the same step.

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      1. Sadly it still does Suz but I try not to let it run my life. Nothing truer than walking a mile in my shoes. I thought if you read that you can survive leaving a great job it may go a little way to helping you.
        Cheers
        Laurie. 🙂

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        1. Thanks Laurie. I think I’ll just take my own advice and use those baby steps. There is no point in worrying about where the money is going to come from once we use up our savings (and don’t qualify for Centrelink right now either). I’ll just breathe….
          I appreciate your caring. 🙂

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          1. You’re welcome Suz. I’ve been there with the money and the worry. I found that life has a way of stepping in and putting you in the right place at the right time. I do care Suz, you’re a lovely lady.

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  8. Sue – I made a similar decision back in 1996 when i quit my old life and turned my life around 360deg. I knew I’d be regarded with contempt by former colleagues and lose a lot of “friends” but I knew I had to do what I felt deep within my I had to do. I’ve never looked back. Be proud that you’ve listened to your intuition and not that utterly stupid “commonsense” which keeps people enchained to a little, boring, stressful life. It’s a truism but one door shuts and another opens so keep your eyes peeled for the open door to a heartful future and life.

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  9. Leaving my job last year was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made – yes, its been tough at times, but I have no regrets and given a similar situation over again I’d do exactly the same thing! People said the same to me – you’re brave, you’re lucky you can afford it, that kind of thing. But it was more that it was something that I just really needed to do for my own sanity, and I knew that somehow I would find a way to make it work. Good luck, it’s your life, enjoy it your way 🙂

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  10. My mom was the first one to point out to me that in all species of animals it’s the female who is the strongest, the most daring, the most intelligent, and the most passionate. Why is it that humans continue to believe the garbage that The Church was doling out during the Spanish Inquisition?

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  11. You’re right, women actually do not have balls…we have brass ovaries. Also, courage in women is often mistaken for insanity. Often because it really is insane. Do it anyway 🙂

    Somebody told me there are 365 fear nots in the bible, one for every day of the year. I have no idea if this is true or not, on account of the fact that when you’re having an anxiety attack it’s hard to remember to count them all. The point is, there are a lot of them for a reason. Fear is big stumbling block for most of us.

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  14. Follow, follow your dream. It’s really the only way to be successful if life makes it possible, as it has for you. I for one am happy for you, and cheering you on as you wait to discover what’s next. And I do mean “wait to discover.”

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    1. Whilst I am waiting Mona, I have much to do. The days seem to go so quickly and I’m not getting as much done as I want to but then I don’t have a timeline to follow now. 🙂

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  15. While I haven’t given up my job ( my choice to stay) I have given up my old lifestyle and turned it around to be my YOLO life. Since consciously making bag decision I have done things , been places and had so much unexpected fun that fears had prevented me from. Sure those little niggles ‘ did I do the right thing?’ and the ‘what ifs’ will visit occasionally but only to help you realise that even if the decision isn’t the right one forever , it’s the right one for now and that’s so terribly important. Enjoy the ‘dance’

    PS on the analogy of dance have you watched the start of the new Dance Moms series …yayyy it’s back. Your tween must be as excited as me haha

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    1. Thanks for your insight Kerrie-Anne.
      Yes, the Tween watched it last night. And also recorded it so she could watch it again tonight. She has watched most of the next season online as well.
      But guess where I am going for my birthday this year? That’s right. It’s High Tea with Abbey-Lee, the girls and their mothers (all except Chloe and Christy). Yay me!! 😉

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      1. OMG I’m so jealous!!!!! I will learn to contort into a suitcase so you can take me on your trip 🙂 what an amazing treat…and I don’t just mean the food – though I do love a good high tea

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        1. It’s a little while off yet. The Tween has a counter set into her iPad with the exact days and minutes. I will post photos when it happens though.

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  16. I actually have a draft – one of many – blog post I was going to write on bravery and courage. You aren’t brave, you’re courageous. Courage is that which is required when the thing you fear is emotional and there is no real physical danger. Bravery is that which is required when the threat is real and poses a physical danger.

    As women, it takes courage to recognize that we have to take care of ourselves just as much as we take care of others. I can’t figure out why we fear taking care of ourselves, maybe some of us have irrational fears (like me). However, what you are doing, taking care of yourself, is courageous. Don’t forget that. 😀

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    1. I hadn’t thought about the differences between bravery and courage. That puts things in perspective when you look at it like that.
      And like you, I don’t know why we women find it so hard to look after ourselves either. Is it because we are programmed to care for others do you think?

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  17. The world is an oyster and you are the pearl,the future is yours.
    And always remember, woman always rub their eyes when they wake up each morning
    Simply because they have no balls to scratch.
    Cheers
    Ian aka Emu

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