Adrift

Last week as I was road tripping my way through New South Wales, I felt free – and happy. There was purpose to my life. The hours spent without talking as we travelled the kilometres, were spent in thought. Thoughts where all was possible. Thoughts where the future looked bright and happy.
I was in a state of bliss.
Coming home, those thoughts continued for a short while whilst I busied myself in catching up with tasks (such as the laundry) that I hadn’t done in the week we were gone. The rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and enjoying the last of the Tween’s school holidays. I sewed. I read. I just was.
Then Monday came.
The Tween went back to school.
And I went back to…. what?
What did I go back to?

So I made a list of things that I want to achieve. Some of them are necessary and some would be nice to achieve but not necessary.
Then I felt overwhelmed with so much that needs to be done.
My study notes lay abandoned on the dining room table in exactly the same place that I left them almost a month ago.
I realised that I was beginning to feel something.
I feel adrift.
Not knowing where the tides of life are going to take me.
Not sure that I want to know.
I am trying to remain confident that the step taken when I left steady employment is going to open the doors to new opportunities.
I am trying to not get bogged down by the fact that the GG has still not been able to find a job and that I might just have to return to work sooner than I am ready in order to have some sort of income.

The words I spoke to the GG the other day are echoing in my mind “We’re going to be fine. It will all work out”.
It’s the heart versus head thing here.
I know in my heart that we will be alright. Life will go on and we will come through this current period but my head is telling me to wake up and smell the roses (or daisies Laura).
So I spend my days doing things like sorting through my old photos and discarding any that I no longer attach meaning to. Gone are all the photos I took when I got my first camera at the age of 10. There really is no meaning to them. Gone are photos of people that I used to work with or go to school with. Gone are photos of people that I no longer wish to have in my life. (Don’t worry Son, I saved a couple of photos for you).

And so I spend my days adrift. Wondering where the tide will take me.
Today, I will finish the Tween’s quilt. All that is left is a little hand sewing. That can be my achievement for the day.

Life does go on. I know this to be true. That’s the reason my blog is called “It Goes On”.
Life will go on and I will go on with it.
Wherever the tide may take me.
Adrift

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23 thoughts on “Adrift

  1. Yes life does indeed go on and if we don’t jump aboard we get left in the dust. I wish sometimes we could just.stop.the.world.from.spinning.
    Hope you were able to get enough rest and relaxation…before going full bore into the mundane tasks that cannot be put off for long.
    Take care, CJ

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    1. Thanks CJ. It gets a little difficult sometimes but I need to learn to stop and let my mind and body stop at the same time. I have this thing inside me that keeps saying ‘keep busy’ and I feel guilty if I’m not.

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    1. Thanks John. It’s funny when you are going through something that you feel as if you are the only person in the world that has ever felt this way. It helps to know that I’m not as weird as I think I am sometimes.

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  2. Nice you had your weekend out with your family πŸ˜‰
    When I got my pension I needed to learn how to use my days in a good way. So nothing would drown in daily house keeping with no time for just being me. It took me long time to learn, have always been used to work. You will find your way Sue.

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  3. Even when you’re doing nothing you’re doing something Suz. Sometimes we need time to think and clear out the old junk, your mind may not think it’s important ( remember it’s been trained to work, work, work. ) but YOU need this time. I guess it’s like cleaning a drain out….. hmm… maybe not the best analogy but you know what I mean. πŸ˜‰
    Cheers
    Laurie.

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  4. I know that feeling too. As much as it is nice not to have to be a slave to a schedule, I found I needed more structure when I stopped working. I needed to feel I accomplished something with my days. As you said, I felt adrift. For me I started volunteering and filled a few hours everyday with that. Projects like your quilts also bring a sense of accomplishment. Eventually your new “life” will become the norm and you will find a balance I believe.

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  5. Hi Sue! Your sentiments reflect my state of being for the last year and the year to come. I quit my job a year ago and have been self employed ever since. My husband just resigned from his job yesterday and we’re packing up and moving across the country so he can attend woodworking school in Maine. My whole world will be entirely different from how it was two years ago.

    This, of course, brings feelings of fear, unrest, excitement, worry, and euphoria. There is so much possibility, but also so much unchartered territory. I recently read an article that compared making these big life changes to swinging from one trapeze bar to another, and sometimes you have to let go of the old one before you can grab the new one. The time between when you let go of the old one and finally find the new one is frightening, and many people are too afraid to ever let go. I think we have to remain confident that we will find that next bar and hopefully learn something along the way.

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      1. Thank you! I hope so too. We just visited for a couple of weeks and I loved it–we’ll see how winter treats me πŸ™‚

        I’ve never been to Vermont, or really any of the Northeast (except for Maine now) so I can’t wait to explore the area!

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    1. Hey Jenn. So wonderful to see your happy, smiling face once again. I’ve been missing you.
      Wow. You have a big step ahead of you but I’m assuming your husband is following a dream. That is so very cool.
      I can’t wait to read your blog posts and learn how you’re going.
      Take care. It’s nice to have someone else along on this journey. πŸ™‚

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      1. Thank you. Yes, this has been a dream of his for awhile and we knew it was time to step out of our comfort zone and go for it. So, it will be an interesting time for both of us. I anticipate that he will feel more grounded seeing as he will be immersed in the program, and I might feel more adrift as you put it, trying to figure out what I am going to do for the next 12 months. I’ll definitely keep everyone posted!

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