Last week as I was road tripping my way through New South Wales, I felt free – and happy. There was purpose to my life. The hours spent without talking as we travelled the kilometres, were spent in thought. Thoughts where all was possible. Thoughts where the future looked bright and happy.
I was in a state of bliss.
Coming home, those thoughts continued for a short while whilst I busied myself in catching up with tasks (such as the laundry) that I hadn’t done in the week we were gone. The rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and enjoying the last of the Tween’s school holidays. I sewed. I read. I just was.
Then Monday came.
The Tween went back to school.
And I went back to…. what?
What did I go back to?
So I made a list of things that I want to achieve. Some of them are necessary and some would be nice to achieve but not necessary.
Then I felt overwhelmed with so much that needs to be done.
My study notes lay abandoned on the dining room table in exactly the same place that I left them almost a month ago.
I realised that I was beginning to feel something.
I feel adrift.
Not knowing where the tides of life are going to take me.
Not sure that I want to know.
I am trying to remain confident that the step taken when I left steady employment is going to open the doors to new opportunities.
I am trying to not get bogged down by the fact that the GG has still not been able to find a job and that I might just have to return to work sooner than I am ready in order to have some sort of income.
The words I spoke to the GG the other day are echoing in my mind “We’re going to be fine. It will all work out”.
It’s the heart versus head thing here.
I know in my heart that we will be alright. Life will go on and we will come through this current period but my head is telling me to wake up and smell the roses (or daisies Laura).
So I spend my days doing things like sorting through my old photos and discarding any that I no longer attach meaning to. Gone are all the photos I took when I got my first camera at the age of 10. There really is no meaning to them. Gone are photos of people that I used to work with or go to school with. Gone are photos of people that I no longer wish to have in my life. (Don’t worry Son, I saved a couple of photos for you).
And so I spend my days adrift. Wondering where the tide will take me.
Today, I will finish the Tween’s quilt. All that is left is a little hand sewing. That can be my achievement for the day.