Re-View of myself (Part of SOCS)

So Linda has set the challenge for her SOCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday) to have “Re-” as it’s theme. For those who are unaware of SOCS you can read more about it on Linda’s post. The hardest thing for me is writing without editing afterwards.
So I have chosen ‘Review”.
What of this week?
Was it good? Was it bad?
You will have noticed that I have been quiet the past couple of days. I haven’t written a post but I have been reading and commenting on blogs. Reading and commenting takes less effort than thinking of something to write.Oh, there have been words running aimlessly through my head. Don’t you worry about that. But actually being able to capture them and pin them down to a page has caused more hassle than you would believe.
My First Born asked me this morning “Are you in ‘negative Nellie’ mode”? To which I replied “I believe I am”. We chatted some more and then she suggested I call her back when “Positive Polly” comes back to visit.
I don’t like being negative. I don’t like wanting to burst into tears at any second without any reason. And I don’t like feeling as if the world is conspiring against me once again as I continue to tread water (or swim around and around in the milk bucket like that frog I blogged about a week or so ago). I’m waiting for the milk to turn to butter but wondering if it will ever happen.
I felt that if I couldn’t be positive then I had no reason to blog – and so I didn’t.
Part of that was because my back went out on me a couple of days ago and only decided to behave itself and come back home this morning.
I spent much of yesterday lying flat on my back in bed and trying not to move too much.

This week I have felt pain for others. I have been touched by the stories I have read. And I guess I have taken a little too much of that upon myself.
I have been angered by some of what I read (both on WP and social media) and I have learned that social media can hurt.
I inadvertently upset a friend (I think) because she couldn’t hear my tone of voice as I made a comment on a post. And then I was kicked in the teeth by the response of a stranger on a comment on a post about suicide on an Australian newspaper website when I told her that I was sorry she was so down and I hoped she would find joy in her life one day in the future. She lashed out at my comment and it hurt.

This week, I have been visited by my old friend ‘insecurity’ once again. I doubt my abilities and my hopes to make a difference in this world.

I have been listening to an audio book “Holy Cow’ written by Sarah McDonald (an Australian journalist) and read superbly by Kate Hosking. I have been entranced by the words and the imagery they invoke. And I have laughed out loud at Kate Hosking’s ability to read with so many different accents. It has inspired me to write but each time I attempt to pick up the pen and place it on the paper, the words run away and hide. I have resorted to whining in my journal.
I’m sure the day will come when my children, or grandchildren, pick up my journal and attempt to read it. Once they have worked out that I write in a different type of cursive than they are used to and can decipher it they will find a woman who really likes to whine about her lot in life sometimes. Not sure if that is the kind of legacy I wish to leave for my children and grandchildren but it is me. And writing is my therapy.

I have castigated myself for feeling the way that I do and know that I need to put on a happier face and pull myself together. I need to find “Positive Polly” and bring her back out into the sunshine. However right now I am wondering just where she is hiding.
Maybe I will find her today at the local show hidden behind the fairy floss and the dagwood dogs. Maybe she is in sideshow alley with it’s laughing clowns and balloon games. Or she is screaming blue murder on the rides that throw her every which way (but loose). Maybe she will show up when the fireworks light up the night sky and the children all gasp and beg for ‘red’, ‘green’ or ‘blue’.
Maybe, she will follow me home as we walk to our car after the night program has concluded. Tired, bedraggled and footsore.

Maybe.

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26 thoughts on “Re-View of myself (Part of SOCS)

  1. Maybe “Positive Polly” is in the place where words run away and hide. πŸ™‚ Seriously though, love all of what you wrote here — both the topic and how you worded it all. Many of us go through experiences and thought patterns like this yet tend to isolate ourselves or not open up about it, so I appreciate you sharing with us so we can all remember we’re not alone. I also hope your back continues improving even more; injuries like that certainly don’t help (I have knee issues that can really get me down when they flare up). All the best! πŸ™‚

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    1. Ha ha. She’s also probably in the same place that my back went to last night as well. πŸ™‚
      I true to be true to myself in my blog posts. If I can help someone else know that they aren’t alone in these feelings and that they are ‘normal’ then that is great.
      Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel for you getting into trouble over a text. Conveying intent through the written word is certainly difficult.
      Thank you for the hugs. I truly hope for a more positive week than the last.

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  2. A great piece Suz, so you can’t write then? You seemed to have done well here. Pain doesn’t help one’s peace of mind when you’re feeling down anyway. So how did I miss the frog in the milk can?

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    1. I don’t count my blog posts as writing as such Laurie. They are merely my attempts at communicating my feelings and thoughts to a captive audience. πŸ˜‰
      You didn’t miss the frog in milk can Laurie. I recall you counselled me to use my Mae Wests when I grew tired of treading milk. πŸ˜‰

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      1. I think you underestimate yourself Suz, whether it’s a blog a poem or a story it’s still writing. Over time many a journal or series of letters have been great works.
        I remember the frog now. πŸ™‚

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  3. Great post, Suz, and I loved the open letter you wrote to suicide survivors. I will go back and give a link to a post I did on that topic, since I am one. I want you to relax and nurture yourself. I recommend a book called The Van Gogh Blues by Eric Maisel. At least I found it helpful because he talks about the risks of depression that are specific to creative people. You don’t have to put on a happy face! Just try to lift yourself up a little here and there with whatever thought feels a tad better, and know that there are lots of people here who appreciate your lovely smiles on their blog posts. Thank you for all you do. Rest and take care of that back.

    I know how it feels to feel kicked in the gut by a harsh message. I am so sorry that happened when I know your intent is always positive and constructive. My only advice is don’t expect to feel instantly good after that, but keep reaching out, as you have here, so those of us who love you can send you hugs.

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    1. Thank you so much for your most beautiful and kind words Nia. πŸ™‚
      You are such a blessing.
      Thanks also for the book recommendation. I have found it online at one of my favourite charity second hand book stores. πŸ˜€
      Many hugs to you my friend. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Whatever you do today, be in the “now,” whether it’s on a ride or watching fireworks. There is no sadness in the now. It just is. Enjoy the break.
    Thanks so much for this positive (yes, it is positive because it says you’re working toward being positive) post. Be well, my dear.

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  5. Maybe it’s something in the change of the seasons because I’ve had a down kind of week too. My only defence to this is actively trying to find at least one thing to make me smile each day. Usually I take a picture to remind me and then post it on my blog. Even so I still have a good old rant from time to time. I believe it may be good for the soul πŸ™‚

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  6. Sometimes it is hard to find Polly, but knowing we are all out here in blogland should help. I didn’t see any posts in my reader for the last few days so went to find you myself- you were missed by me! Whining can be freeing, and is not without reason I believe. Hope the weeks turns around ! πŸ™‚

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