Apparently Christmas will be here in a few short weeks. I don’t feel it yet. This is most unusual for me as Christmas is my favourite time of year. Sadly, something is missing this year. My joy for celebration has gone, and I have no idea what happened. I feel emotions; more strongly than I thought was possible,but joy isn’t here just yet.
I wonder if it will come? Sneaking quietly up behind to tap me on the shoulder? When it does come, will it take away my worries and fears? Will it replace the anxiety and stress that the past weeks have thrown in my lap and replace it with something like a cuddly puppy that is full of life and exuberance? Not a literal puppy (although we have been looking for the perfect puppy for almost a year now), but that amazing feeling that a cuddly puppy brings. You know? The laughter, joy and warm fuzzies that holding a new life that vigorously licks your face engenders.
The past weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. I’ve felt joy, pride, excitement, stress, anxiety, fear, sadness, righteous anger, happiness and relief; with the end result being that I am now drained.
I have ridden the roller coaster of most of these emotions whilst experiencing the last weeks of high school with the Teen. So much pride in hearing her delivery of the valedictory speech on graduation night. More pride in seeing her dressed up for her formal (prom) night. Huge stress in getting to that point (you mothers of older girls know what I mean). Where did my baby girl go? And who is this poised and stunning young women that suddenly appeared? Then she went off to a teenage rite of passage known as ‘Schoolies’, where she and her friends were ensconced in a unit on the Gold Coast to spend the week with thousands of other graduating teenagers. Her twice daily check-ins and other random texts were a relief. Having her return home safely was an even larger relief.
Whilst she was away, I spent my time working or studying. We all know that work brings its own share of stresses and concerns. I had cause for righteous anger on one occasion. I don’t apologise for that anger, but it did drag me down for a short while. And now, I am filled with sadness after a tragedy has befallen a family from our town. A young girl – one of my Teen’s friends – tragically lost her life in a car accident two days ago. On a day that my Teen should have been happy (her birthday), she spent times throughout the day weeping. And my heart broke for her. It broke because she learned a harsh lesson in the loss of her friend. She once again discovered that life isn’t fair and that there is no guarantee of a tomorrow for any of us. And my heart broke because I realised that I can’t always protect her.
I guess that is what I’ve learned over the past weeks. I can’t always be there to protect my children. My older children are having issues of their own and it is painful for them also right now, but I can’t heal their hurts either. It’s hard letting go and allowing children to make their own decisions and to live their own lives. I want to be able to fix things for everyone. It was so much easier when they were younger and could climb on my lap for a kiss and cuddle that made everything better. Yet now I find myself a mother of two adults and an-almost-adult and I’m not really doing that well with it all.
So, I sit at my computer and write. Because through writing words, my feelings push out through my fingertips. I feel a sense of rightness whilst I pour my heart out into my words. I know that tomorrow will come, and with it will come wisdom and grace.
I will watch my children make their way in the world and continue to have pride in what they achieve. And in the meantime, I will continue to live my life as best as I can – as a mother of two adult children and an-almost-adult. And I will go forth and smile 🙂
Who knows? Maybe that puppy will land in my lap very soon.