What do you do when you are presented with the facts that you are showing exactly the same traits yourself as those that you have difficulty in accepting in others?
You do what any other self respecting person that has depression nipping at their heels does –
You go to bed and hide away from the world. Only it’s too hot to pull up the sheets so you lay there exposed to the world.
And whilst you are waiting for sleep to claim you, your mind tumbles over conversations and theories and you reach the conclusion that the world probably would be a better place without you. You entertain these thoughts for some time and wonder if you might even go through with it this time.
After all, you obviously have some deficit in your personality that makes you this way. It’s not as if the person who loves you and has stood beside you for the past countless years is pointing out something new. It’s been pointed out to you before by others who don’t have the same vested interest in you. Therefore, there must be something terribly wrong with you.
But it’s not just the personality flaws that eat away at your soul.
It is the knowledge that your health is not what it should be.
You know in your head what needs to be done to overcome this.
Exercise will heal your body and your soul.
YOU KNOW THIS!
Yet you continue to lay there the next morning when you wake (after tossing and turning all night) and will your body to move.
Beginning a conversation with yourself you decide to do it another time.
When you have greater motivation.
Just another nail in the coffin of your failure to be a normal human being.
You love to help others. It gives you the greatest sense of satisfaction and sense of well-being.
BUT
(as was pointed out to you by the love of your life) how can you help others when you, yourself are so flawed?
Your heart weeps as you acknowledge the truth of his words.
So you withdraw deeper into yourself searching for answers.
The answers are there. You have it all in your head.
It’s in your writings.
It’s in the words you speak with others.
You need to heal yourself.
suzjones.wordpress.com 
Every effective healer is a wounded healer. If helping others was limited only to the unflawed, no one would ever be helped. Our wounds make us compassionate. Our faults make us merciful. We are all in process. None of us has arrived yet (especially not those who are convinced that they have). The truth that we are flawed does not negate the truth that we have much to offer. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. Sometimes our greatest healing comes in helping others tend to their wounds.
Sending gentle thoughts and encouragement,
Monica
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Thank you Monica for your gentle and encouraging words 🙂
Blessings to you.
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Oh my, what a powerful description! And with humor! There’s no doubt a lesson is being learned to be followed by release and sleep.
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I pray for the release Mona and hope for the future.
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With the constructive and caring way you are handling it, I know it will come.
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Beautifully written Suz. Depression is such an insidious problem as it creeps up on you and then you are in a position it is so hard to get yourself out of. It doesn’t help to have your loved one responding in a negative way to your positivity. You are not flawed and you can help others as you are doing by writing this post. You can overcome your problems, sometimes it helps to talk to an unrelated person, perhaps that too is what you are doing by writing this post. You can exercise also but set your goals low so that you can be persistent. Increase them as this becomes habit. As I write I think of myself and my need to motivate. You have already helped me as I now have a plan, a small one which I can make work. You can do it too. We’re with you. Hugs to help you start.❤️
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Please don’t think ill of him as he (of all people) understands me. However he is a logical thinker and that is why he thinks in that way.
Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
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I don’t think ill of him Suz. At times some comments are made by those that love you (and you return that love) that are just not that helpful. Those comments you have to discard. That is easy to do when you are well but when you are depressed it is much harder. All the best. 🙂
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Strong post Sue. The people we are most close connected to, are also the people who can hurt us, even they don’t have any intensions to do this. Just mind in your kids, how well you know them and they know you, they also know exactly whick bottons to pull to make you happy or sad. As adults we wish to support each other, but we can only do this out from ourselves, in our way.
I will send you my warm thoughts and healing (love) your way.
Irene
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Strong but true Irene.
I know that my family are there for me. I also know that my family can upset me.
However I am getting there.
Thank you for caring. 🙂
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I wish you the best Sue, you deserve it 🙂
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Thank you Irene.
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It takes a lot of motivation to get out there and do what you know you should do – sometimes I find myself thinking about what I should be doing instead of just doing it! -Work – Write – Read -and Exercise! It’s a lot easier to just take a nap, which I have gotten my share of this month! Had lunch with a friend today and we made a date to start walking three days a week together starting Monday. I haven’t run since Thanksgiving and I know its easier to exercise with someone than by myself. Hopefully it will get me motivated in the other areas again. Exercise will do that. Your posts always make me look into myself and find what is missing! Thanks for the great post and keep moving! 🙂
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It is so gratifying and good for the soul to know that my posts invoke something in you. Thanks for sharing that.
I’m pleased you have a friend to help you in your motivation Elle. That is terrific. 🙂 Keep up the good work.
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You rock! How insightful and brave to share.
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Thank you Cindy. It was cathartic to write.
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I can’t tell you how many times I have been in the same spot you speak of. I read a lot. I have a son who reads a lot as well. Recently, our subject of choice has been about human emotions and what we do with them. A good therapist is one who recognizes their own weaknesses, which makes them more able to help those who need it. In other words, it takes experience of what it feels like to fight through to the other side of depression. Because you know you can do it, your writing is very inspirational because you can empathize.
But I know that you know this to be logically true. It’s getting your body to react to that logic when you want nothing more than to ignore everything in the world, and pray for some sort of escape.
My husband blasted me with some of his pent up frustration one time. I have to say that it felt like my heart hit my stomach. I spent two days in bed. What I kept clinging to was that I know he loves me.
Sometimes, we don’t hear exactly what we want to hear. It may make us recognize something we weren’t seeing. That can feel like ice water hitting us in the face, but after thinking about it, maybe we can see the truth behind it. Then the choice is ours. Continue to carry on and simply accept this to be part of your personality, or make a choice to change that part of you that no longer serves a purpose. It doesn’t happen over night, but it is obtainable.
I hope things look up for you soon!
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Thank you so much April for your honest and well thought out reply.
It helps to know that we are not alone in this world.
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Oh my–I didn’t think, and then type my comment, I just typed what was going through my head after reading your post. In fact, I used way to many words to say what I wanted to say. Through your writing, you have inspired more people than you probably know. I am one of them. You ARE helping others. It’s because you know what it feels like to want to give up, that enables you to be more effective with your compassion. I’m sending you a big cyber hug!
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Whether is was well thought out or not – it was still wonderful.
Thank you 🙂
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Thank you for sharing such a difficult topic ❤
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Thank you for reading.
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Thank you 🙂
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Monica’s response is exactly what I might have said. She’s exactly right. We can’t help others if we don’t know something of the hurt they are experiencing. I was a good teacher not because I was smart and made all A’s and B’s, but because for a couple of years I really, really struggled to keep my head above water and my grade above failing in one subject. I learned what it meant to be clueless and to struggle to find the clues. In that way I knew what my students were experiencing and how to help them keep trying. Blessings, Natalie 🙂
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Thank you Natalie for your reassuring words.
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Suz, I’m no expert, but this is what I believe. You do NOT have to be perfect (or close to it) to help others. And by helping others you get stronger yourself. The more you give, the more you get. Just think about it; do you demand that someone is without flaws before they are allowed to offer help to you? And isn’t it possible and probable that by helping you, they are also healing themselves?
We all have flaws.
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I agree that we all have flaws but those that help others appear to have it all together.
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I’ve also been in that spot more times than i could count. Only those who’ve suffered from depression can possibly understand that while we might recognise and appreciate the logic of what needs to be done, actually doing it is not just hard, it’s sometimes impossible. And sometimes depression is so insidious, and becomes so entrenched, that we accept it as normal: isn’t this how everyone feels? So I agree completely that to help others, you need the empathy of experience.
But perhaps you also need to have it under control before you have the emotional energy to support anyone but yourself, and maybe we need the cold water of a logical thinker to point this out sometimes. For me, it was was my son. He took me for coffee one day, and much as we love each other, he was brutal. I wasn’t the person I capable of being, or the mother I was capable of being, or that my children wanted or deserved. It hurt like hell, but I knew he was right.
I have been on ADs for over ten years. I hated the idea – thought I should be able to deal with it myself – all those things depressives beat themselves up about. But oh how glad I am that listened and acted! I am not emotionally numb, still have ups and downs, still know what depression is, and what joy is, but I longer visit that black hole with slimy, unclimbable walls and cockroaches skittering in the depths. I am also far more capable of identifying and dealing with all the past hurts I couldn’t face. And I think my kids are possibly even more grateful than I am.
It’s not everyone’s answer. It’s not a substitue for therapy, either, and it’s vitally important to find a brand that suits you. But it’s not the shameful cop-out society would have us believe. It’s given me back my life, for goodness sake! It’s given my children a better mother. So please, all you fellow sufferers, don’t close your minds to the possibility because you see it as weakness. I’m stronger now than I’ve been in years.
I’m sorry to ramble on, but as you can see, I feel strongly about this. I’ve been there, and now I’m not. I am incredibly grateful, and my heart goes out to you all.
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And I thank you so much for your comment.
I have spent years on ADs but have not been on them since before Christmas.
I was doing so well until a set back a few weeks ago. I think I’m still doing okay but when the black dog is following you, it takes every opportunity to nip at your ankles.
In some ways my blog is like a journal. I feel that if I put my feelings out there, there are others who feel the same way and those that respond assist not only me but others also.
Thank you Helen. Thank you for sharing your insights and life. They are treasured by me. 🙂
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Wow. I’m always impressed by your grit and determination Suz. I hope your day is better tomorrow.
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Thank you Dave. As I write this, it is tomorrow and I am feeling much better within myself. 🙂
I spent the day yesterday with a friend. It is the first time we have caught up since Christmas and we spent the day sewing and shopping for fabric. It was unplanned and great therapy.
Thanks for caring.
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Oh how I’ve had the spirit of these words in my head for YEARS Sue. Thank you for eloquently saying what I always think. My therapist and I were discussing how my mom’s narcissism has deeply left a mark on me and my health. I know I have the capabilities of healing part of myself and who knows, maybe it’s in all of us to heal ourselves. I believe that emotional damage to our souls expresses itself outward into our physical beings. Thank you for reminding me I need to also step up my game. Even if it’s just stretching or meditation or whatever. Computers do not always do us great service and I know it ties me up more than I should be.
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Not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been weaning myself back from the computer 😉
I’m not sure if I am happy that my post hit a nerve with you because it means that you also have been/are where I was yesterday.
Take care my friend.
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I have noticed actually, but I am feeling nothing but compassion. The “nerve” just means you are being vulnerable. it’s ok Sue. It really is. I totally understand and if you ever want to talk on the phone, please don’t hesitate! Just send me an email and I’ll give you my #. I’m a good ear for people who are down. (I used to volunteer as a grief counselor….I’m just a horrible writer. lol)
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But not a horrible person 🙂
Thank you.
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Thank you 😀
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What writer or counselor can’t help others through their own suffering?
“What do you do when you are presented with the facts that you are showing exactly the same traits yourself as those that you have difficulty in accepting in others?”
— You recognize that you’re human, and handle it as best you can.
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Thank you 🙂
I sometimes think that the curveballs thrown at me by life are done so by a higher power with full reasoning.
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I believe similarly.
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My dear, you have a way of expressing yourself that is extremely poignant and your strength comes through in your writing. Your lovely smile is often what keeps me going some days.
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Thank you Jill.
I have not been over to your blog as much as I would like of late sorry.
I always love reading what you write. 🙂
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